I have to apologize for my last post. I sometimes forget how much the people around me rock. Love you guys. Seriously do.
Sooo, I do have cancer. But the cancer part is not a big deal. I swear. And I shouldn't have used that word. Even though that is what it is. Thousands of people get this type of skin cancer every year. The cancer part doesn't scare me. Not even the fact that it is an aggressive form of that cancer. The type that I have is called Infiltrative basal cell carcinoma. It just means that it is characterized by deep infiltration. That is the part that concerns me. And again, not because of the cancer aspect, but because of how they have to treat it. They have to dig it out of me. Still no big deal, right? I mean, they do this type of procedure daily with no side effects and very little scarring.
Best case scenario, they take about 5 centimeters out (just a tad bit bigger than the tumor), find it has not spread, stitch me back up and I'll be as good as new.
But, as doctors, they have to give you the worst case scenario. And worst case scenario is they cut from my nose to my ear, and dig until all of the cancerous areas have been removed (actually, worst case scenario is radiation-but that is soo rare for this type of cancer, I'm not even thinking about that). And that is when the panic set in. Because the image of what that would do to the person staring back at me in the mirror every day freaked me out. Arms and legs are great. Toes, fingers, knees, a spine, all very important body parts. But the face. The face defines us. It is how the world assesses beauty. It is how we identify our children in a crowd. It is how we express ourselves. It is the first thing we see and notice about a person. And beautiful or not, my face is who I am. And I have grown comfortable looking like this. Just like this. Plus, I want my cheeks to work properly when I smile at my kids. May seems trivial, but that stuff is important to me.
And superficial. And I know that. I just panicked at the thought of seeing something different in the mirror. And I shouldn't have. Because there are far worse things that could happen to me. Far worse cancers to be diagnosed with. Far less treatable diseases. So I'm lucky. But I'm still scared. And I'm so grateful to be surrounded by such amazing people. People who let me be irrational, and pathetic. And who have made it very clear to me that even if the worst case scenario becomes reality, they would still be seen in public with me.
11 comments:
Oh too late lady, card's in the mail and I've done my google research! I highly dislike worst-case scenarios. You are normal to worry. And it's our job to be concerned. Anxious to hear updates-and how you detected the problem. Hang in there.
Your concerns are understandable. I would be freeking out with about the same things. I am sure you will keep us up to date as to how things are going, and I am sure the news will be good and your worries will be put to rest:) Love you Lady! You and your family are in my prayers.
totally get the concerns, seriously, that's a hard thing to face (no pun intended). I have two family members who have had similar surgeries ... you really will heal much better than you think! one person had a chunk out of his nose, it almost looked like a small melon baller had been used, it was that deep and round. can't even tell. the other person was and old lady, and she had a patch larger than 5 cm taken off, and seriously, her face looks like she never had anything done at all, and its only been a few months. it is amazing to me how well the human body can heal, even when you are an old sick lady like my grandmother! please post updates, i'll keep ya in my prayers :)
Um...I just L O V E you!
I would probably be freaking out more than you. You are so brave. (not that you should freak out more). It's just the unknown that's scary. And we all fear the worst. Again, good luck, and I love you no matter what you look like. Hey, your volleyball skills won't be affected by it either! Yeah!
Oh hon, my love and prayers.
That is just like you. To worry and be scared but then try and ease the fears of your friends. And yes your friends will still love you no matter what you look like. If they don't then I suggest new friends ;)
okay, I'm just catching up on all that's going on, and you have every right in the world to be freaking out! Although, if anyone can handle this trial, it is certainly you. lots of prayers are headed your way!
Again...beautiful.
No need to apologize. You still deserve to be covered in prayer and wonderful loving thoughts!
Oh Amber, I am so sorry. You are in our thoughts and prayers.
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