I would like to believe I know how to be a good mother to my daughters. I have an amazing mother as an example, and was raised around strong woman who mothered me like their own. I am also blessed to be surrounded by friends who are now mothers themselves, and incredible ones at that. I get what I should be doing. I understand what qualities I should be emulating. But often times, energy and a lack of patience get in the way. And I fail.
Many days that failure is catastrophic. Other days I teeter on good parenting, only to succumb to a random screaming rant. And then I lay in bed at night certain I have ruined my children. Confident I have over-parented, not hugged them enough or made the worst choices for them. Recently, that guilt has been consuming me.
Cora began attending the most incredible preschool when she was 3. Claire was not yet walking. Through the years, the women at that preschool have watched my children grow. They have not only provided an impressive learning base, but have also adored my girls more than one could hope. I knew when I dropped them off, they were surrounded by people who loved them like I love them. That is rare.
We began our 4th year there this September, Claire's last before kindergarten. Right before we began the year we got word that the owner has sold the preschool. I was upset, but had no qualms about Claire continuing her education there because the rest of her teachers remained the same, as did the curriculum. Or so I thought.
Fast forward two months. Last week the final hold out from her original teachers quit. The new owner informed me she did not believe in Montessori (you bought a Montessori preschool lady, come on!) and she also did not "get" my child. They had conflicting personalities she said and she was unsure how to teach her. And while I appreciated her honesty, I was a wreck.
Claire LOVES her preschool. She thrives there, her friends are there and it is her home, as it has been for 4 years. I did not want to uproot her. Plus, I spent weeks researching and touring preschools years ago and I was not impressed with the alternatives.
The new owner assured me that we could make it work. She was hiring teachers that would be able to relate to Claire. Claire was learning and excelling there. And she was right.
But remember that part about not "getting" my daughter? How do I continue to send her to a place where she is not understood. A place where she is not truly appreciated. And how does someone not love Claire? I had never encountered that. It is always just the opposite. "Claire just makes me happy." "You can't help but smile when you're around her." "Claire is just like bottled sunshine."
That is who Claire is. And I get she is also a pain in the butt. And difficult. And defiant. And naughty. I am her mother after all. I see all of that. But I have never come across anyone who saw only that. And I'm not sure what to make of it. I feel like whatever decision I make will be the wrong one. I already feel like I have failed her leaving her there, but I would feel worse ripping her from a place she loves.
I know children are resilient. Regardless of the choices I make, she will bounce back. But how many wrong choices can I make as her mother before they start having lasting affects. How many times can I screw her up and expect her to turn out okay in the end. And how on earth am I supposed to know how to make the right choices when this is all uncharted waters. I am running blind here. I can't fast forward to see what the clay will become after the years of molding I've done. How do you stop making mistakes you can't see the consequences of for years to come?
How do you become a good mother, when most days the hard truth is you don't even know how to be a mother at all?
18 comments:
HQ could be by far your most valuable resource on this. Seriously. Call her, right now. You can thank me later.....
That's kind of a rotten place to be. I don't know what I would do either. But here is the one thing I remind myself of. Regardless of some small mistakes you may make it all comes down to this. Your girls live in a happy, healthy, stable, loving, caring, selfless environment. Their parents adore them and they adore each other. That right there is putting you miles ahead of the bunch.
With out putting religion into this, this is where I say prayer places a huge part in my mothering. I struggled with what to do for Emma, but everything fell into place and as it did, I felt good, and had peace. That peace can only come from reasurance that someone greater than I, knowing Emma more than I, really gets the bigger picture that I might not always see. I wish there was an easy answer to this, but this is something that you have to figure out. And...I am sure you are a great mom. I ditto what Andera said. It's true.
Welcome to the Mommy Club, where you blame yourself for all things.
I know what you mean, what I think is that if you're wondering these questions, this shows a conscientious vs a knew jerk reaction style of parenting.
You are honest and don't like about things, you are a good mother.
Trust yourself... and pray!!! Reality is the world is full of choices and they also have to learn how to make them... even when the choices aren't perfect. That teacher does sound horrible... hard to know what is right!! I think we all question ourselves! and we all feel that way... and then there are days when you lay down smiling... noticing you taught them something wonderful that is beaming in them! ;) Think on those things you know you have done right!!
Oh boy, can I relate to this post. I am also struggling with the preschool decision. You probably remember last year, that I toured a whole bunch of places and wrestled with the decision then. I love the teachers at Dylan's current preschool, but I worry he is at an unfair advantage since it a daycare/preschool that the other kids are there 5 days a week all day, so they already have strong bonds with each other. I'm looking into another place and I'm completely unsure what to do.
I will say this. I've worked in many different preschools. What that owner said to you is HORRIBLE and STUPID. You just don't do that. You don't tell a parent that you don't "get" their child. She sounds like a moron. There is honesty, then there is idiocy. Yes, Claire won't be taught by that idiot, or even around her much, but she will be hiring the other teachers, and will probably want to hire people who have similar beliefs and personality as her.
{{Sigh}}
Screw em. Your a FANTASTIC mother. I'd be worried if you didn't think about this. :)
If it makes you feel any better, none of my children have ever attended ANY preschool (I know, it's practically abuse! You should see the reactions I get from other mothers! Maybe I'll just start beating my children - heaven knows it would be looked on with more kindness).
And while I am not the one to talk (because I agonize over my horrible parenting skills nightly), stop worrying! Worrying does not solve anything. When you worry, you have already experienced that which you fear, which is stupid! All we can do is our best. Then, when they are grown, we apologize for our shortcomings. Really...what else can we do?
p.s. If you want to feel like the mother of the year, I could tell you some good stories so you have a baseline for bad mothering. Ty keeps me well-stocked because he thinks it's ridiculous that I think I'm a bad mom, and hopes the stories will ease my mind. They do. A little. So come visit!
p.s. squared: Something is wrong with an owner of a preschool who thinks it okay to tell a parent she doesn't "get" their child. What on earth is she doing spending a career with children if she can't figure out how to get along with all of them? I don't get most kids. Heck, I don't even LIKE most kids, but I am the adult, and as such, it is my job to pretend to love them until the actual love blossoms and blooms (extra cheese, anyone?). What did she want you to do with that information? Was she trying to drive you away? I would have had a hard time holding my tongue in that situation.
I'm sitting in a mass of self doubt myself this morning! I went to bed last night telling my hubby that I don't "get" my oldest. (My get is different though I think because I really REALLY love the little princess.) I woke up this morning to her saying (I swear this was actually a recording of me) "uuurrgghhh...I CAN'T FIGURE THIS THING OUT! uuuggghhh"
Shortly after, my youngest, after throwing her blankie from her crib said, "Darn it! I dropped by blankie."
Think mommy is short on patience?
Needless to say, after they left the house this morning, I cried!
I am at a total loss with how to parent. I am praying ALOT and searching for encouraging words and wisdom. Somedays, it feels like the more I search, the worse I feel. So thanks....I needed to hear I wasn't alone this morning.
oh, and on the preschool thing....let your inner momma bear come OUT!
Oh no! This is so awful! Why would that woman say such a horrid thing. If she doesn't "get" children..no matter their personalities, then she shouldn't be teaching at a preschool.
That woman should not be running a school for children! It may hurt your claire to start with, but it sounds like she may be better off being moved. I'm having a similar issue, but with a sitter, which I plan to post about soon. I hope there is a resolution to all of this, or there already has been.
Being an owner of a child care center and preschool, I would NEVER imagine saying something like that to any mother. I'm a mother and I know what something like that would do to me. Other than that, I have no answers....only time will tell what damage I have done to my own kids....hopefully it's minimal. You are a awesome mother and friend!
If I could describe you in one word would "Underestimated"..... you are so powerful and incredible and I wish that you saw that all the time. This post made me cry because I can relate. We forget that life is a journey and so is motherhood. We'll never be perfect at it. The bottom line is that Claire will thrive no matter what. None of us will ever make the right decisions for our children. That is where our children are given opportunities to grow as well. You're an amazing woman and mother. Never doubt that.
p.s. Some of the greatest people in the world are misunderstood. Einstien, and NKOTB for example. And Brad.
well, go read my last two posts and you'll know you're not alone.
then to take from an old song and from my post. Do your best. Pray for God's blessing and put it in His hands. Bottom line is that your daughters are going to know you love them. my mother is great too. but I KNOW we fought when I was young and I'm sure she wasn't perfect. Funny thing is, I don't remember much of that.
sending you a hug and a prayer. E
How do you become a good mother? Well, I am the WORST person to ask and you can completely ignore my comment as we both know I am not qualified to answer your question. . .
Being a good mother is the constant state of making an effort to be a good mother. Just like being “in-shape”, we may be in good shape but if we stopped exercising we would quickly deteriorate. Therefore we never “arrive” at being in shape. It is the constant effort to maintain fitness. Therefore being a good mother is the continual effort to be a good mother. Did that make any sense at all?
Long story short, you do more research about what your girls eat, what activities your girls are in, and what school they go to then any mother I know. To me you are a WONDERFUL mother. Everything you are involved in is a success including your girls.
I try to consider each day a success if nobody got severely injured, the kids got three meals, and their fingernails aren't too long. :)
I hope you figure out what to do about preschool. That is just crappy. I hope that lady figures out how to be around children if she bought a preschool!
...and your mother was clueless.
I do love the pictures! I'll take the last one, please.
Sorry, that was meant to go with your next post.
Post a Comment