Last night was the first time she had taken a bite out of a fresh onion. I loath them raw, so that opportunity would usually not present itself in our home, but we happened to be dining out. Cora picked up the onion my sister, Michelle, had taken off her salad (runs in the family, what can I say?). Cora asked what it was and if it was good. I glanced at my sister and knew she too was resisting the urge to hurl insults at the onion and rip it from Cora's little hands. But, because we are adults and that is what adults do, we masked our hatred and encouraged her to try it because onions are "soo delicious" (I felt for the sake of expanding Cora's palate, my little white lie was justified).
She tried it. She liked it. She took a second bite and proclaimed, "YUMMY!"
Now, if I had mentioned my aversion to uncooked onions before she took a bite, the outcome would probably have been different. It would have been unlikely that a bite would have even occurred. And if it had, she would have immediately spit it out and added onions to the list of food items to avoid in the future. Why? Because I rule her world.
I know. I know. Sounds odd saying it, but it is so true. Our children idolize us. They want to say the things we say and do the things we do. They want to impress us and make us laugh. They want to mimic us and make us proud. But I am well aware that this time is fleeting. Soon, my opinion will take a backseat to any and all of Cora's classmates, and my fashion that she currently tries to copy (for the life of me I do not know why, as the term fashion forward is NEVER spoken in our house), will be as mocked as the Golden Girl's wardrobes.
Am I taking advantage of this time in my daughter's lives by setting an example I want them to emulate? Am I teaching them to be kind to everyone, or are they instead picking up on my road rage induced rant that teaches them words like, "frickin moron?" Am I teaching them that they are beautiful and have endless self-worth, or will they instead learn to shutter at their reflection in the mirror as mommy does all too often?
I try to shield them from the harsh realities of living paycheck to paycheck, but I also want them to appreciate the value of a dollar and not expect money to be freely given to them. I want them to enjoy their childhood in a carefree environment, but I also want to instill a good work ethic and teach them to handle responsibility. I want them to be confident, but not stuck up. Nice, but not a pushover. A good leader, but not a bossy brat. I want them to fit in, yet stand out. Be willing to follow, but not be a follower. Be smart, but not nerdy. Athletic, but not a dumb jock. I want to remove every burden, every heartache, every stumbling block from their path. And yet, in the same breath, I want them to experience all of those things so they become stronger, wiser, more humble because of it.
My days are spent endlessly worrying that I am failing them, screwing them up permanently. Not teaching them enough, or teaching too much of the wrong things. As parents, our burden is great and our time is short. I must pack as much influence as I can into the few years I have a captive audience. And there are no do overs. I am helping to shape a future adult. How I teach and parent now, will have a lasting impact. What if I fail? What if all I hope for my child is not realized and everything I fear for them is? And why did our parents, teachers, mentors not warn us about this aspect of parenting?
I knew children would be exhausting and expensive. I was warned about the sleepless nights and the endless diaper changes. So why no warning about the endless worrying? Why did our parents not tell us that, once you have created a life, the magnitude of that responsibility will keep you up at night? Because maybe it didn’t keep them up at night? And maybe it doesn't keep you up at night either. Maybe my fears are completely irrational.
But I have a hunch that I am not alone here. That this unbelievable task bestowed upon us the moment our children took their first breath freaks you out a bit too. And if I’m right, how do you calm those fears? And do they ever go away? Will I be 60 years old and still worry as much as I do right now?
I guess, if in 30 years I am still lying awake at night pondering these same things, I will be grateful. Because, as children often do, I think it makes me a better person. And if not better, at least more aware of the type of person and parent I am striving to be.
10 comments:
It great how aware you are of your responsibilities. I think there are too many parents who never give it a second thought. Keep on going, and I'm sure your kids will be happy for it!
I couldn't have said it better myself. I have no clue what I'm doing, and it scares the crap out of me. Yes I worry, and thanks to this post I have realized there are more things for me to worry about!! THANKS~
I worry. Alot. All the time, just like you and I'm glad you put this into words.
I have recently been thinking about overexposure and underexposure and how that will effect Soren's development and personality. I am grateful that my parents shielded me from certain things, (sexual content and drug use in media), and angry that they never exposed me to any cultural diversity or art. (Growing up Christian in Payette is a factor on the latter as well). I feel as though I shouldn't blame them because my mother and father were reared in superlative environments. Underexposed and overexposed respectively.
I have a vision of Soren's personality being completely an amalgam of Cho and I, however I cannot predict what this medium exposure of Portland will produce in him. Will he flee for the 'burbs as soon as possible or appreciate the diverse surroundings we have placed him in?
You're not alone is worrying every day and night about what you are doing and how it will effect the way your kids end up. There are things that I worry about, but most of it, will not change who they are, and this is hard for me cause it still is a control issue, and I like to be in control. I believe that it is the little things that really make a difference in how our children learn and grow. Mason, not able to speak, wants to pray by his bed as we get into be. Where did he learn that? We do it with Emma every night, and he sees it. Now he does it and it wasn't "taught" to him like it was to Emma. You hit it on the nail "Do as I'm doing; follow, follow me"
No matter what you do (or don't do), you WILL regret something, and your kids will blame you for all their problems. It will never be enough (whatever IT is). The best thing you can do is stop worrying. Cause if you die of hypertension, you're no good to your kids (screwed-up or perfection personified alike). Then do the best you can with what you know at the moment, let go of things you can't control, and apologize for your shortcomings when your children are old enough to understand.
If only I could take my own advice!
So you are making parenthood a tough sale. I can't say I will be adding it to my bucket list anytime soon. :)
Having said that, I have often pondered (if I had kids) how I would teach my children the value of a dollar and make them realize how blessed they are to live in America. I have also pondered how I would teach them to be kinds to everyone and yet be strong enough to separate themselves from a dangerous or unhealthy situation.
The fact that you are aware of these things means that more than likely you are doing a great job as a mother.
So this is what I'm afraid of: I'm terrified of the day when my kids hate me. I'm pretty sure it will happen but I'm hoping it won't be too much and it won't last too long. I often wonder if there is something I can start now so that we can get through teenage years with a good relationship. I don't know.
Love this post! I linked over here from Dacia's blog and just started reading. You summed it up nicely and you are not alone, the worrying is constant in this house. You have a beautiful way with words.
Gosh, I don't even know what to say because you said it all, and so well. I love reading your posts!
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