When I was 15, I was riding my bike downtown with my little brother. We were killing time, hoping that a root beer float from A&W would somehow trick fall into believing summer was still in full swing and the dreaded first day of school was not on the horizon. My brother, eager to keep up, managed to run into my back tire, sending me sprawling onto the asphalt. When I stood to brush myself off, my thoughts were not on the blood spilling from my knee, but rather on the gaping hole in my brand new back-to-school jeans that allowed a clear shot of the wound.
My entire sophomore year had (quite literally) come crashing to a halt. I had spent weeks preparing the outfit I would wear as I entered the bright red doors of PHS, shook the "frosh" status and began to instigate my plan to make *Jared* (names have been changed to protect the stalked) fall at my feet by homecoming. Without those pants, I was ruined. He would never give me a second glance.
Now why am I telling this ridiculous story? Well, I feel it is important to preface this post with a story that proves how completely and utterly irrational I am (and always have been). I know what I am going to say will come across as silly, self-loathing and a pathetic cry for compliments. That is not my intention. I am just in a mood, can't get out of it and thought blogging about my irrational woes might help.
I am surrounded by women that amaze me. Talented, beautiful women. Take my friend Amber for instance. This lovely new blog layout, whipped up by her in a matter of minutes, would have taken me months of preparation, and the execution alone would have cost me my sanity (as if I ever had it). Next up we have Pam. The first family photo shoot she ever does so perfectly captures the essence of my family that I begin to question the hundreds of dollars blown through the years at portrait studios (I should probably add Krista and Angela to that brilliant photographer list too). Moving on to the witty writers (Andrea and Jen) and the singers (Edna and Ericka) and the crafters (Andrea) and the athletic volleyball players (Monica and RaNell) and the smarty pants (Treshia) and the ridiculously well organized (Joey) and the kind-hearted rock star of a fitness instructor (Rachel) and I could go on for hours (just know that because I know and love all of you, I can list your amazing qualities without wanting to toss your talented butts out a window).
In that sea of talent I occasionally feel I am drowning. I can't act, cook, sing, craft, teach, clean, spike or even spell above average. I am not brainy (for goodness sakes, after umpteen princess tea parties I couldn't even tell you what the Boston Tea Party was all about), exceptionally athletic (my post-baby coordination is nothing to write home about) or even motivated enough to improve all/any of the above listed non-talents! I often feel like a failure as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend and an employee. I do not manage my time well, keep my bad-habits in check or believe patience is a virtue that has been bestowed upon me. I have 9 fully filled out (and addressed) thank-you notes from Cora's 4th birthday party (which was in June mind you) sitting in my junk drawer. I have 4 loads of unfolded laundry on my bedroom floor. I have a checkbook that has been begging to be balanced since 2004. And I now have a bowl full of buttery popcorn sliding down my stomach to take up permanent residency on my thighs that I have to make (break) plans to run off.
I just can't seem to get it together. Yet, my little world is perfect and just as it should be. And there you have life's biggest irony. I have little to offer, make mistakes daily, and am world's biggest procrastinator. Yet, I can't seem to think of a legitimate reason to back-up my aforementioned complaints. But I just feel like ranting anyway. So, for the sake of a therapeutic whining session, please don't tell me I'm being irrational. That is, after all, a talent that I already possess.
20 comments:
You know Amber, I believe in venting, and I'm glad you shared with us.
Something that you DO posses is the talent of telling and writing. Even before meeting you I'd heard about how you can make any boring occurrence into a great story. That is why I've continued to stalk your blog, because I love hearing about your cute family, you are so eloquent.
Are you smoking crack dear? You are one of the most talented writers in the land. I would say don't be so hard on yourself, but I have days when I feel irrationally worthless too, so vent on sister.
K Amber, I have to agree, I think you are smoking crack. I LOVE your writing! That is an amazing talent. And you are funny, and very easy to talk to, and obviously a good friend. I could go on.
I think it's something embedded into us as women to be so hard on ourselves. We're never good enough, never smart enough, never baking enough cookies and loving our kids enough. I feel the same way often. I think if you are of the female gender, you can say that you feel that same way often.
I love the new blog by the way!
First things first!
I love the blog backdrop. I was going to write this to you before I read the blog but I got sucked in by the blog. That brings me to my second thing....I love checking your blog and have my cousin checking your blog and occasionally a dear girlfriend or two checking your blog because YOU ARE A GREAT WRITER! You always make me smile or think after reading your blog and for that I thank you, you TALENTED writer!
(I wrote this before reading the other comments which also mention your talent:)!)
So feel free to vent but know that deep down inside you are talented and amazing.
I have a magnet on my fridge that reads:
Be yourself! There is something that you can do better than any other. Listen to the inward voice and bravely obey that.
I read this every morning and on those days when I am not really sure what my purpose is I try my hardest to be myself and hope that that purpose is fulfilled!
Wait. Are you saying there's something WRONG with 4 piles of laundry on your floor (throw it in a closet - it'll make you feel better if you can't see it, trust me), unbalanced checkbooks (I have never attempted such a feat - don't even know quite what it means actually), and unhealthy eating habits (as I lick the sour granules from a package of sour patch kids off my finger)? Boy, do I have it all wrong. Glad you cleared it up for me so I can feel like a horrible failure. Just kidding (kind of). I know you weren't fishing for complements, but sister, I don't think I could comment on any post of yours without complements automatically dripping from my (now sticky) fingers. YOU are incredible, and I count myself blessed to be an associate (yeah, kind of makes me sound like a lawyer or something. Maybe of Amber and Associates?). You are the inspiration behind my starting a blog (which was so kind of you to link, by the way - especially since I feel so humbled that you even READ it). I want to be like you when I grow up - whenever that is. I admire your ability to ooze happiness and be content with who you are (maybe not so much today, but usually...), what you are doing, and where you are going with life. I also LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that you're not perfect (as evidenced by this little crack in your security- so glad I'm not the only insecure girl out there)! Or at least that you don't THINK you're perfect. THAT is what makes us all adore you and your charming little spot in the magical blogger kingdom.
I could go on and on and on...but am trying to stop this nasty habit I have of turning everyone else's blogs into my own.
First of all, I love your new blog layout. It's beautiful, just like you. Secondly, and more importantly, you inspire me, and you are insanely irrational today. You are one of the kindest, most genuine, beautiful women I know. My life is fuller because you are in it. I can say that with complete sincerity, tears in my eyes, and Costco Sweedish Fish sitting next to me (yup...I but sugar in bulk) Your writing touches my soul, and your friendship is such a gift. I love you!
I love that you used the name Jared!
You must read this talk. I think it may fit in with what you have been thinking. Girl we all feel this way. It totally sucks huh? Read this and you will feel at least a little better. http://www.lds.org/library/display/0,4945,285-1-54-31,00.html
ps love the new back ground.
I don't get it. Why didnt you include me in the great singer sections. Oh right, because youvve heard me sing. It is all coming back (all coming back to me now...there were moments of-okay Ill stop now).amber, you know youre my hero. Do you need more proof you rock?
Am I the only one that's going to submit to your request to NOT weigh in on your rationality or gush about all you have to offer?
I just wanted to let you know that this post could have been a description of my life today (minus the biggest procrastinator, and add in some ants and it's totally me!).
Hope the rant made you feel better! It did me.
Laura Constantine [Stephanie (George) Martinez' older sister]
Still lurking....
Amber, Please, sit down with some chocolate. Chocolate helps. Anyone reading this blog experiences what you do. None of us are perfect. We all have different talents and that is okay and great even.Not a one of us is perfect. But to make you feel better, yesterday while dishes were piling high in the sink, cheerios from breakfast on the floor, and my 18 month old baby tearing the house apart my 6 year old son was screaming and was dripping blood from his nose onto my couch. Meanwhile my potty trained three year old was peeing into the dry tub and all over the bathroom floor because he couldn't make it to the toilet. Sometimes, I just have to laugh and be glad for my completely clean blog with fun background which can be changed in a moment's notice, everyone smiling. No one talking back to me or whining. You can't see the teacher calling me because my child is misbehaving at school. I'm likely to not show you that on my blog. So I show the fun stuff because sometimes it's that or cry. Yeah, I love blogging. I enjoy reading your blog. It always makes me smile.
Amyjoy
By the by (so much more sophisticated than by the way, by the way), I am diggin' your new template. Your last one was cute beyond belief, but that little picture on the left drove me CRAZY (crazy!) because it was always covering up words and making me use my hand (something I try to do as little as possible when blogging) to find a balance between scrolling and reading - it's a fine line.
I have an idea! Let's leave our lives behind for a weekend and head to Salt Lake to catch the New Kids concert.....I haven't had enough yet!
HELLO, we seriously know so many of the same people it is scary. I must say you are one serious blogger. Mine is more of a child shrine. Anywho I'll talk to you tomorrow. See ya then!
Ha ha, I love that my sister beat me to posting a comment. I love this post, it is how I feel a lot of the time. It's nice to hear someone else complain about it to make me feel more normal. My husband thinks I must be depressed when I vent these types of frustrations to him, not to mention that as a working man, he can't really relate. He never feels like a failure when the house is a mess, or the laundry isn't done, or that he's not being a supermom. Meanwhile, I have discovered lately that I really DON'T like cooking. Take out. Please!! It's hard sometimes when we compare ourselves to friends who seemingly have it together. I'm stuck too, I see all the areas where I need to improve and I just don't care. Nice to know I'm not alone.
Meanwhile...Kudos Amber K on the awesome layout.
Amber, Amber, Amber! You are one funny lady! You just posted my thoughts on your blog. How did you do that? I have always wished I could write like you. You are so funny!
Isn't it interesting how we all have days where we don't feel like we have any talent? Why do women always focus on what we can't do, while downplaying what we CAN do? President Uchtdorg really hit the nail on the head when he gave his inspired talk at Relief Society General Conference (Monica's post has the link to that talk). I love reading your blog and your rants, and I love the energy you give off when I'm with you. There's nothing wrong with who you are, and there is a whole lot right. There are a lot of things I admire about you. You just need to recognize them.
By the way, if having a clean house and all the household chores done was a requisite for being a wife and mother, I too would fail the test miserably.
Amber Amber...I miss you! Hope today is a better day for you. I must mention..although it already has been several times...I have never met someone that can tell a story like you..let alone write one with such dramatics. Will I ever see you again??? How in the world did you find my blog? I love you much and love that I can finally see what you've been up to in the last decade. Okay I know it hasnt been that long. but close.. big hug!!
I always save your blog for the end (of all the million blogs I read), because you are always so funny, inspiring, and interesting. Good for you to write down exactly how you feel. I am always afraid to do this, because I don't like the sympahty comments either. But being the reader, it's hard not to give comments to someone like you. So I hope your bad day has passed, and you can see all your talents for what they are.
I have days like this too . . .I guess it keeps us humble. We are always harder on ourselves then we should be. I do want to know . . .who was your crush? :)
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