I have scheduled and deleted this post 3 times today. It really has been an internal struggle. One that runs deeper than I will ever talk freely about.
I don't like my body. I never have. Even when there was sooo much to like, I hated it. Hated it to the point I did horribly unhealthy things to it. Hated it when I was 100 pounds soaking wet. Hated it when I had an actual six pack. Hated it when there was not an ounce of fat on me.
I have no one to blame for my unhealthy relationship with body image, and yet I blame everyone: the media, an absent father, my high school friends who thought encouraging bulimic behavior was so "hip." Never myself.
Now I have two daughters I am accountable to. I can no longer hate my body because I love them too much to allow them to follow in my footsteps. I am the most influential female example in their lives. I probably always will be. I cannot teach them to love themselves exactly as they are while hypocritically cringing in the mirror. My actions would teach them far more than my words.
For years I have been working on embracing my body, imperfections and all. It is the most difficult journey I have ever taken.
This photo is my final step. One I tried so hard to sabotage. I ate an entire large sub from Quiznos right before it was taken, knowing full well I would hate the results and refuse to post it. I'm posting anyway. In a permanent, ridiculously public way.
I want to pick this photo apart, joke away the things I despise about it. And there are many. But I'm done feeling guilty about being curvy. I'm through obsessing about how much time on the treadmill that candy bar will cost me. I'm over beating myself up for enjoying a sandwich. I'm exhausted from years of hating my body. I have wasted so many hours of my life that I can never get back. And so I say enough.
I'm hitting post.
And once I do you can find my prude, body-conscious self sobbing in the corner. But please know they will be proud tears.
20 comments:
Woohoo!!!! Good for you! You look great and don't think twice!
What's not to love there - you look great! You've been pregnant and have given birth and aren't a teenager anymore. I think you look amazing!
you are so brave for sharing this. Your daughters are lucky girls to have a momma that can put her fears aside and set an amazing example. good for you! I think you look great :)
Rock it girl...you look fab!
You are brave... and HOT! I know your husband would agree with me. And, I'm willing to bet that your daughters think you are beautiful.
I can sincerely relate to your internal struggle--I battle the same one. I have two little girls, and have similar fears. I feel like their self esteem relies heavily upon my own. I worry about it EVERY day. I love your honesty--makes the 'rest' of us feel normal. You really look AWESOME--with talent, personality, and wit to boot! What's not to love!
I have beautiful and proud tears for you Amber! You radiate beauty in a genuine way that the world we live in has not caught up with yet. Thanks for helping to plant the seeds!
And um...Annonymous is me. Rachel! I don't why I am undercover?!?! Paparazzi perhaps?
I'm completely disappointed, you built me up to think you had some hideous scars and moles and discolored skin that would make me feel really bad for you. But no, you are exactly what I expected. Absolutely adorable. Your girls are going to have no problems because they will figure that they will end up as cute as their mom and that will reassure them they are perfect.
Give me a break! Is THAT what you're self conscious about? Oh, honey, I could show you a thing or two. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I think you might have a little something called a broken mirror, because I'm not seeing anything wrong with your body. Seriously, no stretch marks and loose skin?! I guess we only see in others what we wish we had, and sweetie, I'm seeing it all.
Wow, after your setup I was prepared for something entirely different but you look great Amber. I promise you are a ton more toned than I am and it must be nice to not have the chest of a 12 year old boy. :)
Truly, you know I understand this post and the immediate denial of any subsequent compliments that will take place in you but you honestly look wonderful. Strong, healthy and yes, thin. Whether you see it or not.
Dang girl, work it! You're HOT!
this is really quite huge, girlfriend. i won't even wear a bikini! i'm proud of you...your honesty is inspiring. your body rocks.
You are gorgeous!
you look uh. maze. ing.
good for you for doing this. you're an awesome example to your girls!
and is it a coincidence that my word verification is brat? I think not...I wish I was as toned as you are. :)
I know that it doesn't matter how many people tell you that you look GREAT - which you DOOOO - it is hard to actually believe it. We are always so much more critical of ourselves than anyone else is. Good for you for braving up. I hope you are proud because you should be!
you are strong!! and your making the right choice, for your girls and for you. thank goodness for our children, right? otherwise we'd all be hot messes.
Well hello there smokin’ hot mama! I hope you and the hubster had a wonderful evening!
I am sorry. I think we all struggle with our imperfections (not that you have any). One thing I have learned is when I talked about how much I hated my body, I hated my body more. This led to obsessing about my body. A couple years ago I decided I was D-O-N-E, done. I put a moratorium on the topic. I was no longer allowed to talk smack about my body nor was I allowed to spend quality time with people who obsessed about their body. It was not easy to break the habit but since I have, I am much happier.
I have two young daughters too. 6 & 4. I would never think anything less than how I think they are the most beautiful things in the world. I want them to always know that. Being a mother now, I'm sure my mother thinks it about me, and I'm sure your mother thinks it too about you. Plus, you do look hot! You work at it! I complain and do nothing. Now that's being a good example to your family.
BRAVO! BRAVO! I STILL can't get into a swim suit without making myself throw up a little. You look freaking AWESOME!!! (I am SO green with envy.)
I can't believe I have been missing all these posts! I looove reading your blog - and so do my other friends. DANG VACATIONS held me back! YOU ROCK SISTA!
AMY
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